Family Conversation

Here's an actual conversation between my mother and her father that I heard third-hand.

Mom: Where's your hat?'

Grandpa: In my bag.

Mom: Won't it get squished?

Grandpa: It'll unsquish.

Husband quote

I was making my husband guess someone's first name the other day, when this popped out of his mouth:

"I don't know any four letter 'F' words." -Johnny

Pretty funny.

Notes

See, I told you it'd just be seven easy installments. The last quotes are from Spring, so to see the summer quotes you have to go all the way back to the first post.

Oh, and I added me and Helen's blogs to our links. If you have any other quotes to add or blogs or websites to link, let me know.

-Tara

Installment 7

If I was fishing for a husband, I wouldn't fish in shallow waters. -Emma

David, you can take me skating anytime! -Brendan

I had to find someone new . . . it just wasn't the same after the vacuum. -Kristine

This is how you spell diarrhea, but I don't know what the quote was. -Helpful Kristine

Think of the noses your children would have. -Sally

Go lap dance with SATAN! -Episode of Malcom in the Middle

I think we should go streaking on campus. -Kristine

I like you for more than your fat, Tara! -Helen

Apt. 13-isms:
1. 'Cuz it's LAAAAAME!
2. REJECTED! Don't bring that weak tot action!
3. You want some curly fries with that shake??

-It's my way of sticking it to the man.
-But . . . you're the man.
-Yes . . .
-So, aren't you sticking it to yourself?
-Maybe . . .

What is this? -S
Mormon in-breeding bookmarks my grandmother gave me. -H

It's hard to be offended when you have no expectations to begin with. -Kristine

It wasn't a quote. I just wote it up there. -Kristine

So, if you take a diuretic . . . -K
I have lots of those. -H
We can put it in a cake and give it to somebody!!! -T
. . .
Different spelling, Tara. -H

These stones are kind of warm. -Sally

I will be the sex-ed provider. -Kristine

You're about to join the sisterhood. -K
Of what? -S
Of men!!! -T

He called it the fornicator. -T
Was it a cube? -H
No. -T
Good. I don't think cubes can fornicate. -H

Installment 6

Bork, bork! -Swedish Chef

It's not my fault you have big blankets. -Sally

I am not from Utah. They can't make me follow the poof. -Kristine

Don't touch the spaghetti noodles to yourself!!! -Sally

It's not as offensive when it's falling side-ways. -Fred

Are the noodles supple? -TJ

I don't know about you, but my toes aren't all that erotic. -Kristine

BYU police . . . where an arrest is public transportation. -Special K

Oh yeah, that's right. You PAINTED your woman. -Susan to Claire

I thought I was your only cuddle buddy. -Claire
You are. I haven't cuddled with her yet. -Tara

I weigh an arm and a leg more than Helen. -Tara

Don't touch my biscuits! -Sally

Hey! That's my . . . expletive! -Kristine

Well . . . one of these days when I find somebody to sleep with . . . -Kristine

If you can't go naked, at least go red. -Claire

Stop frolicking with me!!! -Jim

Gobble say tuna! -Tara

I'm gonna wiss this mall . . . -Claire

That was explosive . . . good thing it wasn't diarrhea. -Tara

What if he only likes me for my pheromones? -Sally

Installment 5

There are plenty of sexually frustrated men around--this is BYU! -Tara

I've got the drugs, all I need now is women. -Brent

'Cause girls obviously have board games coming out their butts. -Claire

I don't like things that blow. -Liz

This is mic. My dad's name is Mike. It's a good name, a good instrument. -Jacob

I only spit when I get excited. You must excite me all the time, Claire. -Elizabeth

Kristine's Autobiography: Sunday--An Epic of an Old Man

I want to be the FIRST Mormon nun. -Sally

It's like wearing ice picks . . . on your feet! -Super K

Christian kids aren't kosher. -CB

It fuzzifies my soul. -Tara

I've spent too much time thinking like a man today. -Claire

I was the TOP SUCKER! -Kent

I'm like a love sponge. Squeeze me and love comes out. -The Man, the Legend, Josh

It's kind of a waste to have a hole in your face and not use it. -Liz

Anyone who insults Texas is either smacked in the head or has never been there in the springtime to see the sunset or the wildflowers or stars at night. Or had Bluebell ice cream, or pecan pie, or real barbeque, or seen a flag flying as high as the US flag, or rode in a Texas edition Silverado . . . or had someone bless their heart! Or seen how beautiful Texas girls are, or seen the sky turn green just before the hail starts . . . -Dave

Installment 4

I'm going to have to go out with David. -Lane

It won't spell "heck" for me. :( -Liz

That's what you get with charity . . . you lose all your napkins! -Jim

The whole thing sucked. He turned out to be a real dirtbag. So I pulled the plug on our relationship. -Kristine on her relationship with the vacuum

Where are you from? Israel? -Ramsay

I got approval . . . -Jim

I'm chillin' with the vacuum! -Kristine

When you have a mother and child who both get sick, you don't know if they were both exposed to the chickens or if the mother was caring for the child. It leaves room for some question marks. -CNN

I want to shoot cupid in the butt . . . with a riffle . . . not a stupid little love arrow, sissy little naked-butt boy. -Erin

You're like Chef Boyardee . . . but not a guy. -Matt

He's a nice guy . . . He's convinent. -Fred

Chunkiness is only good in soup! -Words of Wisdom by Tara Jayne

It doesn't matter. Heck, I'd go to the Creamery naked if I could. It's just the Creamery. -Liz

Don't touch my poof! -Mandy

Never get on a freight elevator when terrorists are after you. -Aaron

I eat chocolate like a woman! -Brian

I'm sick of people from other races. -Jonathan

If I look slightly digested, that's probably what it is. -Tara

Yeah, I've been busy . . . with myself! -Elizabeth

No, just the BYU purgatory, also known as UVSC. -Frysauce

Claire--you're not a middle-aged man wearing a suit. -Fred

Did you guys hear about her mullet-love? -Carl

Fetch me my ranch hoss! -Carl

Do you take your pants off in public often? -Kent

A little Mexican kid? Yeah, that sounds about right . . . -Kristine

Whatever! I get to grow these babies! -Kiera

Brendan, don't ever sniff me AGAIN! -Claire

So Brandon is going to kill his wife . . . -Jacob

Liz wants his body! -Claire

It's like men's chapstick . . . only strawberry flavored. -Kristine

Don't go back and forth like Oprah's weight. -ESPN, Roger Bolton, 1/13/06

What am I? -Claire
You're a fruit loop! That's what you are!!! -Sally

Have you ever tried to cuddle with a knife? -Jacob

Everything is bigger in Texas. -Dwight

I have my cake to keep me company. -Kristine

It's an open season on Faith. -Faith

I think I love . . . field mice. -Jacob

That's boring. I wish his name was snoopuff. -Jacob

You're lucky I have good bladder control. -Claire
My mom doesn't. -Jacob

Elizabeth, there are people crapping their pants to date you. -Rick

I did not realize Salt Lake City had a lake. -Rick

Everytime Tara looks at me, I'll just pull my pants down. -Elizabeth

This is our Dorian Grey table. -Tara
Somewhere there's a table in a closet . . . -Kristine

If there's one group I hate, it's Asians. -Will Scarlet

Hey, he's mature and fun and a great guy. Besides, pre-mortally speaking, you're probably millennia older than him. -Dave!!!

He's not yummy. I haven't tried him yet. -Liz

It won't be frozen after you cook it. -Fred's Words of Wisdom

She has dozens of significant others. -Sally
Some of them are more significant than others. -Kristine

Wow, he's stupid AND sexist! -Fred

LIBERAL!!! -Sally, to Miles, in a mocking sort of way.

Where I'm from, we shoot dang liberals and hippies. -Deanna

You want to hissape him! -Claire

I have to be pretty! -Claire

It really is blowing me up! -Deanna

I want the girlfriend! -Stephano

You need to turn out the light and take a SHOWER! -Sally (feel the love)

It's like it's coming in for a landing! -Fred

Installment 3

Mmmm . . . this can be my next true love . . . -Claire, on the subject of Cheesecake

Come here and I'll shake my dandruff at you. -Tara

Hey Claire, you wanna screw that a little faster? -Fred

I wish I had the runs, but I don't. -Tara

You see these buns of steel?! That was me reflexing! -Tara

Are we still talking about her sexy pants? -EVIL

Bring it around town! -Spongebob

TIME!

Well, I always have something to catch my food with . . . -Claire

These underwear make me happy. -El Guapo

That would be scary--if you were a NAPKIN!! -Special K

I'm all about the love . . . I'm bringing back the yin AND the yang. -Stephano

I have a thing for ghostly bottoms. -EVIL

Claire--I hear you have talented lips. -Jacob

That was almost the truth, I think . . . -He Who Cannot Lie

Thank you, I'll be on drugs all week . . . -Claire

I don't need to marry a smart girl. -Sally's Hot Cousin

I just need to get my people knocked up . . . -El Guapo

It's a different kind of way of showing a different kind of nonexistent affections. -Brendon

You're going straight to hell, and I hope you marry that guy and drag him down with you!!! -Tara

I have a really talented tongue. -Claire

Sex could KILL!!! -Haha, We're Not Telling Who Said That

Liz has issues all over her body. -David

There's cheese in our fridge I don't think we even know about. -Liz

Ahhh . . . it was the best lape ever! -Sally

I don't love listening to him when I'm naked. -Claire

I love me!!!! :)

That's different! You soiled it yourself! -Kristine

Kristine, do you need me to cuddle with you? -Liz

Claire, have you been contemplating on my bed again? -Sally

And Dad . . . Dad's a fornicator!!! -TJ

I am a macho pig. -David

Yea, verily! -Spongebob

Oye, shift it! -TJ

You have issues and are significantly creepy. Love, Claire

Installment 2

Returned missionaries are NOT perfect. -Bishop Vance

When a computer wants to say he loves you, the correct wording would be: !>3(_). My computer told me this a couple of nights ago when we were at the bar. It was pretty crazy. He got so drunk, then he just started dancing. And he screamed in computer language at the top of his dot matrix lungs. I think someone dropped computer-E into his drink. But he was reeaaal happy. -Brandon

I've got MAJOR problems when I shave! -David

1. He's shy and needs safety points. -Bryce

Tara! Get some pants on! -Anonymous Tara-Friend

Except mine . . . he was crazy! -Stephano

This is Utah; you even have to break up creatively. -Dan

I wouldn't want to marry someone I wouldn't recognize in the morning. -Miles

OH YEAH! It turns me on!! -Kristine

Dont' let your rear end get exposed! -Erin

I think we should stop studying AJ's anatomy. -Emily

The phone is NOT a deceiver! -Claire

Hey Weirdo! -Apt. 13 greeting

You know it's good when you come up with it while you're spitting out toothpaste. -Claire

I ate all my life. -Tara

I'm like an exposed hoochie!!! -Jocelyn

And all I need to do is show her how shallow I really am then she'll have no surprises. -Anonymous Male

Sit down so I can jump you! -David

I want the jeep! Forget the guy! -Liz

Your issues are revealed when you start to suck others' . . . blood. -Claire

You just trade 'em in every ten thousand miles? -Sally

No . . . she deserves a better man. -"Cake"

He's Swedish. He doesn't have to make sense. -Claire

If you want to build a good relationship, you can't start doing the nasty stuff. -AJ

If I don't get married in this life I hope Captain Moromi is still available. -Sheri Dew

He can fornicate all he wants!!! -Liz

It's like spooning . . . -Tara
Sometimes, I fork! -Claire
I like to ka-niffee!! -Tara

I ate mine off. -Claire

He doesn't want your food, he wants my food. -Kristine

It's tough to be mature when your world is constantly ending. -Chris

Next time, just don't be all over the bonds like that. -Kristine the Scientist

I love to DRINK! -Jacob

Y'know, one day you say you want to take it slow and the same day you *LAPE them!!! -Tara
*lip rape

You haven't even tried me yet! -Brandon

Even if Haiti IS hell, I still not let her come! -Colin, in reference to Sally

Where else are you going to get $8.00 romance? -Heather

I am the Queen of Buns! -Tara

I can't BS fast in Russian! -Liz

If the toilet lasts until tomorrow, I'll be shocked. As it is, I could frame it and hang it on my wall. -Kristine

You can also eat cashews if you haven't brushed your teeth yet. -Sally

I was in the grocery store, thinking about Richard Simmons, and it hit me! -Sally

I'm gonna Freedom your Boulevard! -Tara

Fall Quotes

Since we can't just paste the quote wall in here for font reasons, I'm doing this old school because I have lots of time on my hands. So I present to you, the Fall/Winter 05/06 apartment 13 quote wall in seven easy installments:

O, the joy that is a creampuff! -Claire

Yola--that's hola with a 'yo'. -Stephano

New Testament . . . that's like, old school. -Sally

She wasn't garbage truck hot--she was limo hot. -CSI

. . . As in a little retarded, not homosexual. -Claire

Maybe your skins just changing colors and you're turning black! -Anon.

I dunno . . . Liz is pretty nasty. -Kristine

Kristine's the only straight one here. -Stephano

Quick--let's trade pads! -Anon.

You can't really have titanium breasts. -Sally

If somebody's gonna give you a kiss, you'd better take two! -Tara

I'm gonna eat your cake and still hate you!!! -Stephano and Will

We are not here to marry you off. -Bishop Vance

We will love you eternally if you cook us. -Claire

Don't take his bottom out!!! -Joe
. . . Why not? -Jean

SWEET ACTION! -Tara

Eat zem! Eat zem both!!! Oui oui!! -Masculine French Woman

She is indisposed right now . . . That's really none of your business. -Claire

Where are the no-more knees? -Sally

We're all Heinz 57! -Claire

Don't play with me! -AJ

Are we going to play the smacking game? -Fah-Hee!

Oye-Hawaiians must have Thunder Thighs! -Sally

If we were drunk we'd probably be naked by now. -Fred

She is the child of LUCIFER! -Colin

I look good for me and my girlfriends! -Lydia

They were from Africa, they weren't real blacks. -Stephano

DAVID'S RESERVED QUOTE SPACE

If you were a man, how would you shave your cleft chin? -Sally

Well . . . mine's lop-sided. -Kristine

That means she must be Russian! -Eve

I can't rate white people! -Bryce

Everyone I've kissed said I was amazing, so I must be a natural. -Claire

Go farther for free!! -Dirty Minds (You little Harlot)

It might stay stuck up!- Liz

You know, a slotted spoon doesn't work with spaghetti sauce. -Liz

It was my best friend's boy-friend's friend. I had to entertain myself SOMEHOW! -Liz

A million germs in you and me can sure be lots of fun. -Stake President Parker

I don't want you to be my guinea pig! -Liz

It doesn't matter . . . I mean, I'm not afraid of Chris. -Claire

Thanks for calling the office of super genius . . . you have been rerouted to the office of too freakin' bad.